Well once again I find it to be late for me and I've been tired. Can't sleep this time though because when I go to sleep I know I'm waking up to more chemo treatment. This will hopefully be my second-to-last one to go through. Since everything is still looking good to go after my radiation which I just started receiving the "maybe" bills for. They labeled it as "therapeutic" radiation treatment and I don't know what other cancer patients think but... that is not therapeutic.
I think what freaks me out the most is after all this chemo I've had I know the drugs now. I know which ones hit me harder. I know which ones put me down for most of the week. I know just by the bag size and color now. I know what they taste like as they hit my bloodstream through the port in my chest. I know the side effects I'll get while getting the treatment. That's why I don't sleep though so I'm super tired by the time I get there. That way I just try to sleep through a majority of treatment. My own little personal version of time travel. That is until I have to wake up so I can go piss orange...
I know this is going to be a really hard week for me. The drug I'm getting today I haven't had the whole time I was going through radiation. It was simply too toxic to give to me then but now I must endure it again. The bag is huge and I get it in the course of a day which is a lot to take in from how they have explained it. Usually by the time this is over it will be hard to do anything even if it is something simple like typing or clicking a lot (like in video games). That's where it gets hard to entertain yourself because your so weak but you can't sleep all the time. There are still life things to do and also trying to make sure I eat something every once in a while...without wanting to hurl.
But I will accept it with a smile, come home with a smile, and get through this without many issues. I know now after the year I've had that I'm a tough son of a bitch and nobody can tell me otherwise. However, I also have some of the greatest friends and family that have helped me a long the way that I'm grateful for. It's the perks of building friendships that you wanted to last a lifetime. Yeah a lot of us have become distant because of life choices or just life in general. But we all know that we have each others back no matter the distance and time.
Just needed to rant a little and get some shit out there and thanks for reading!
With love,
Nubby
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