Well it's the beginning of December and I'm currently sitting through what is hopefully my last chemo treatment. Now I still need to do another days worth tomorrow since this treatment is Mon.-Fri. for 5 or so hours. I've decided though that after this treatment I want more scans to see where I'm at with all this. The last time I had scans was before my surgery that NEVER happened and those scans were terrific. The chemo treatments started the first week of April this year and have been happening every 3rd week afterwards. I've had nothing but positive results from the chemo and radiation which helps support my claim of wanting to be done or at least lessen the amount of treatment. I mean my chemo is really complex and quite rough to the point that most people couldn't handle my treatment. The drugs I get over an entire week most people only get a couple hours worth in one day. If I've gone through a whole year of this shit and I haven't had any sign of this spreading or coming back shouldn't I be able to make the call to be done?
I know that when I tell my doctor again that I want to be done they are going to try talking me into continuing treatment. Which at this point just seems like them pumping me full of more chemo just to see how much I can take. For me it's not just that I don't want to go through chemo anymore or that I'm tired of having no hair. The new year is almost upon us which means my PTO at work gets reset and my insurance makes changes to my benefits. I don't want to start the new year off by using up my PTO on more cancer treatments. It's not fair to me or my beautiful fiance when we have plans for our future. I've given cancer the year of 2014 but the new year is mine and I'm done giving cancer more of my time.
I know that some people say I should be worried about cutting the year long chemo plan short. What if the cancer comes back? What if it does spread to somewhere else in your body? What if... What if... What if... That's all cancer becomes at some point is a really big WHAT IF. Even if I was to go a full year's worth of chemo it wouldn't guarantee anything. Meaning that I would get chemo all the way through to April 2015 and it would still be a WHAT IF. At this point all I'm getting is chemo which can only do so much and by that I mean chemo can't kill all the cancer that might be still in my body. I've even been told this by the doctors which means when I stop getting chemo my body either does it's job and handles what's left or I get cancer again. This isn't rocket science to be honest and at this point I just want to be done.
To have even just the chance of getting my life back to normal is an amazing feeling. I truly believe that if I was to stop chemo I would be fine. With how positive my results have been it would be a major kick in the nuts if it came back. I want to be able to stop missing work because of chemo or not having enough money to just enjoy life a little. To feel like my old self again and have the energy to start martial arts again. To start making YouTube content again is something I've been looking forward too as well. Of course there is also my wedding that has already been put off an entire year because of cancer and that is not happening again. 2015 is the year my life starts to get better again and goes upward. I'm tired and fed up of feeling like I'm just slowly circling the drain going nowhere.
Just another rant and thanks a ton if you read through it all.
With love,
Nubby
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